Dreams of Sleep

You might think that I am an early riser... well, sometimes that is the case. More often than not, though, I am just still up. I want to sleep, but at times it will just not let me. I crave sleep. I really do, I am not just staying up because I am an idiot that can't control how much television I watch or how many cups of coffee I drink... sometimes I just can't sleep. It is as if a thousand tiny cannons start firing ideas off all around my brain. Those thoughts apparently must be paid attention to or they will surely persist. So I pay heed to them... and they conquer me time and time again. So, sometimes I try meditation... and that works great ... about half of the time. I guess I am not yet a zen master.

I really think I just need to be so exhausted at bedtime that I have no choice but to sleep. That can be achieved either one of two ways. First, the world could top spinning as quickly. I figure if we just slow down to about thirty hours in a day I would have the perfect ration of waking to sleeping -11:4. Second, and more probable, I could motivate myself more in the fields of both the mind and the body. Perhaps if I exercise my thoughts into writing they may ease up on their madness invoking. That, tempered with more strenuous physical labor... well -I think it might do the body good.

Hence, a blog. I figure this is as good a way as any to exercise my mind. And if I state my ideas and goals to the world, I figure I will be much more likely to achieve them for myself.

Goal One: Write a novel by the end of the year. I have about five stories that I have been developing but have not really gotten anywhere on due to a combination of lack of time and little motivation.

Goal Two: Lose Weight. I really have to lose it... it is an embarrassment. My thyroid stopped working and my (former) doctor figured that my sudden, rapid, weight gain of 80 pounds in a year was probably due to drinking to much and partying all of the time. The thing is... I didn't drink that much and seldom partied. So, I went to another doctor... who being a doctor -and thus educated- decided to not just decide I was drinking myself to death, but rather, to run a few tests. Turns out I am extremely hypo-thyroidal. My body thinks it is imperative to store all of the nutrients it takes in. Thankfully I am now on a pill that balances out my thyroid so I don't have to worry about excessive fat storage anymore. However, I have found losing the weight to be much harder than gaining it. It is my goal to drop 80 pounds this year. I know that isn't supposed to be healthy... but neither is gaining it that fast. Having known what it feels like to be in extremely good shape and then to fall so far from ones former self is quite the experience. Interesting how much you can start to loath your body image.

Have you ever noticed how they put knife sharpeners on tons of products that don't need knife sharpeners? I have seen them on coffee pots, can openers, blenders, cats, etc etc. It's just ridiculous. Who is blending something, and while they are pureeing their dish, and thinks that "Hey... I could totally be sharpening a knife while I operate this appliance." I just don't know anymore.

Blogging reminds me of my first days in college. It is almost hard to believe that that was only five years ago.

It seems like so long ago now...

We were younger then, but so much older

than those we called friends.

You told me your story;

I told you mine -how we did it... I don't know-

and though we were miles apart

I felt closer

to you than to anyone before.

But now, as our bodies start the race

to catch up to our souls,

I hear the ground crack

under me. Feel it shake as it widens

into a black maw between

you and me.

Do I let go

and forsake memory;

or do I leap and in the process

either fall with the flame or

find my footing on your side

of our great divide.

I wonder who will read this? That is, if anyone does at all.